


With You

by Odd_birds_and_booksellers



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:01:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26960311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Odd_birds_and_booksellers/pseuds/Odd_birds_and_booksellers
Summary: A major incident at Grey Sloan has Alex Karev on the first flight back to Seattle but is it all too late?Post 16x16
Relationships: Alex Karev & Jo Wilson Karev, Alex Karev/Jo Wilson Karev
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	With You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [doc_pickles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/doc_pickles/gifts).



> For Nina aka docpickles because we live to torture her and she asked for it. Any complaints please forward them her way.

**_“Two doctors have been left in critical condition at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital in Seattle tonight after a violent offender bypassed security. It is being reported the two doctors were stabbed multiple times by a husband of a patient being treated in the hospital. The attacker allegedly bypassed security after being questioned earlier today by police regarding allegations of domestic violence. The 33-year-old had been detained by police and we await further news regarding the condition of the doctors attacked.”_ **

“Oh god, that's awful isn't it?” Izzie mumbles, not looking up from her hand as she carefully applies the layers of pale pink polish. “Alex?”

His whole mind was blurred like everything had been knocked out of focus, he could feel his heart thumping hard in his chest. Like he was being suffocated, no air getting to his lungs he could just about make out Izzie’s hands on his back trying to calm him down as he gasped for air but he couldn’t stop the overwhelming need to get to her. Before he even knew what he was doing his phone was in hand punching in the numbers he had memorized. 

**_“Hey you’ve reached Dr Josephine Ka- You’ve reached Dr Jo please leave a message and I’ll probably not get back to you so send me a text instead.”_ **

“Dammit,” he growled, throwing the remote control at the TV screen as he jumped up from the couch, pacing around the room as he hit the dial again. 

“Alex?” Izzie sat up quickly, her eyes following him around, concern written across her face. “I’m sure it’s no one you know...whoever it is they're in the best place possible.” She sighs watching him hit the dial again, she can barely make out the sound of the ringing as he presses the phone tightly against his ear, “Come on let's turn it over.” She whispers gently, reaching out for him. 

“No, are you insane? I can’t just sit here.” Alex snaps, abruptly shoving her hand off him as he stalks down the hallway heading towards the door, he feels like he’s suffocating there’s not enough air in here, everything feels unfamiliar suddenly, like he’s somewhere he doesn't belong. 

“Alex-” Izzie calls, he can hear her footsteps following him down the hallway. 

He spins around stopping her in her stride, lowering his voice for the benefit of his sleeping children. “Just shut up okay...there are people I love in that building, I’m not just gonna sit here.”

**_“Hey you’ve reached Dr Josephine Ka- You’ve reached Dr Jo please leave a message and I’ll probably not get back to you so send me a text instead.”_ **

“Come on Jo...come on, answer the phone.” He mutters as he makes his way out to the roadside. He can’t escape the feeling something awful has happened, it's almost like someone’s slowly tugging his heart right out of his chest. It felt like he was choking like someone was sucking the air from his lungs and he can’t explain it but he knows it's her. Like something is hurting her, like whatever connection they share is being tethered and he can’t do anything to stop it. There’s something awful happening right now and all he can do is feel the pain.

**_“Hey you’ve reached Dr Josephine Ka- You’ve reached Dr Jo please leave a message and I’ll probably not get back to you so send me a text instead.”_ **

**_“Hey you’ve reached Dr Josephine Ka- You’ve reached Dr Jo please leave a message and I’ll probably not get back to you so send me a text instead.”_ **

**_“Hey you’ve reached Dr Josephine Ka- You’ve reached Dr Jo please leave a message and I’ll probably not get back to you so send me a text instead.”_ **

He doesn't even know how he gets there, barely registers the flight. All his calls left unanswered as the hour's tick by, darkness overwhelming him until he’s stepping into the familiar buzz of Grey Solan. 

“Alex…” Meredith spots him first, he’s standing in the middle of the hallway, fists clenched so tight he’s drawing blood from where his nails are pressed against the skin, as their eyes meet he tries to search for a confirmation of his worst fear. “What are you?” She mumbles dropping the tablet from her hands as she comes to stand before him, taking him in, his red-rimmed eyes, cold expression scaring her slightly as she pulls him in for a hug.

“Where is she?” He manages to mutter after a moment of silence, looking past Mer he slowly scans the faces around them, desperately hoping to catch sight of hers. “Where is she Mer?” His voice cracks.

“Alex?” Her voice breaks out against the noise and suddenly it all goes quiet as his eyes flick up to see her, she looks tired, her hairs a mess piled on top of her head, dark stain of blood spread across her navy scrubs, but she's here, standing in front of him, blood pumping through her veins. Alex feels like he can breathe easy again as he lets out a shaky breath, it was like the fire that had been extinguished inside of him flicks back into a burning flame as their eyes meet.

“You didn’t answer the phone.” He mutters, brushing Meredith to the side, as he makes his way past the various people till she's within arms reach, he can see the lines that have formed across her forehead from the nights of worry up close and it makes his heart sink knowing the hurt he'd put her through. 

“We were sort of busy here...Maggie and Deluca they…” suddenly he closes the gap between them, his arms wrapping tightly around her small frame, one clutched tightly at her back of her head the other pressing her against him. She goes rigid in his arms as his tears fall, dripping cold onto her neck. His mumbles something incoherent as he presses light kisses to the top of her head frantically. 

“I was really scared…” He admits quietly in between kisses to her forehead.

Frowning Jo tries to understand what the hell was going on, as she feels him pull her in closer. She wants to scream and yell and push him away but her body betrays her, so overjoyed to be back in the safety of what it knew to be home as she throws her arms around his neck, sinking her hand into his curls while she breathes him in. “I’m okay...Alex I’m fine.” 

“I’m sorry...I’m so sorry.” He mutters pulling away so she can see the tears trailing down his face, splashing against her own cheeks as he presses his forehead against hers muttering his apologies. She tries to calm him, pressing her hands against his cheeks, forcing their eyes to meet, his intense gaze saying more than words ever could. “I don’t wanna do it anymore Jo...I can’t take any more of this, I wanna wake up next to you and I wanna grow old with you, I don't wanna spend another second without you…”

It’s all a mess, it's all a horrible mess but Jo can’t bring herself to care right now, because for weeks she’s been wishing he’d just walk through the door again, and now he’s here holding on to her like she’s his lifeline and she just can’t fight it anymore. Leaning up slowly Jo does the one thing she’s been longing to do for so long now and presses her lips against his. 

* * *

“Alex…” Meredith spots him first, he’s standing in the middle of the hallway, fists clenched so tight he’s drawing blood from where his nails are pressed against the skin, as their eyes meet he tries to search for a confirmation of his worst fear. “What are you?” She mumbles, dropping the tablet from her hands as she comes to stand before him, his red-rimmed eyes, cold expression scaring her slightly as she pulls him in for a hug.

“Where is she?” He manages to mutter after a moment of silence, looking past Mer he slowly scans the faces around them, desperately hoping to catch sight of hers. “Where is she Mer?” His voice cracks as he feels her envelop him in a hug, making his heart drop. 

“Alex?” 

“Maggie?”

“Where is she?” His voice is hoarse as he speaks, finally catching sight of Maggie behind them, her eyes look puffy like she’d been crying, her hands were shaking as she pulled off her scrub cap. 

“Alex come with me…” She whispers as Mer breaks out of his grip, turning they seem to have a silent conversation before Meredith nods gripping onto Alex’s hand tightly. 

“Where is she?”

“I'm so sorry Alex” she begins her face crumbling as she looks up at him. Alex begins to back away immediately the look in her eye more than enough, letting Mers cold hand slip from his. 

“No...I” Suddenly his knees buckle, he can feel Meredith's arms wrap around him, trying to hold him up as he crumbles to the floor. “No, she...she can’t be.” He whispers, squeezing his eyes shut he tries to cling to his dream, the feel of her under his hands. He can see her face so clearly looking up at him, that carefree smile that lit up her whole face, the one that has the power to make everything right in his world. “No...she...I have to tell her I love her.”

“Alex…”

“Get off me” he chokes staring down at his hands on the cold floor, his eyesight was blurry as he swayed about trying to focus but the thumping of his heart was ringing loudly in his ears. The people rushing around him go unnoticed. “I need to see her...Where is she?”

“Alex...”

He can feel his throat closing up as he tries to stand, his whole body shaking as he tries to move, he needs to get to her, he needs to see her. “I have to get to her...I have to tell her I love her...she doesn't know, I need to tell her, I love her, she has to know...she has to know that I love her.” He screams, pushing himself out of Meredith and Maggie’s grip, he needs to see Jo he has to tell her he loves her, she thinks he left her, she doesn't know, she has to know. 

Meredith crouches down beside him, pulling him up into her arms as she tries to comfort him, stroking a hand down his back. “Shhh she knows Alex….she knows” 

* * *

It had been two weeks since she...since she'd gone. Two weeks since the colour had seemingly drained from his world, and no matter how many times Meredith told him that the colours would return Alex still struggled to believe her. He left her, he should be able to live without her but it’s like a part of him has been cut out, like an invisible thread that was supplying his oxygen has been cut. He’s barely eaten in two weeks, he’s only managed a handful of phone calls with his kids forcing his voice to sound cheerful for their sake, unsure how he’ll ever be able to be truly happy again. 

He stands across the road from the church, he’s not sure it’s his place to be there. Watching as they lift her coffin up, finding it hard to even comprehend that she’s in there. He tries to go in, but he can’t seem to find the strength to open the door, instead, he finds himself wandering down the path, his heart-stopping when he sees where the ground has been shifted, her name shining out amongst the rest. 

**Josephine Brooke Karev**

**Loving Wife & Friend**

**A light that shines as bright will never go out and even when it's dark and you can’t see, look up and see her shining light.**

**1985-2020**

He traces his fingers across her name slowly, faltering slightly when he reaches his own name, the guilt swells within him, he'd been notified that her name had never been legally changed, he'd even been asked if they should put Wilson on the tombstone but Alex had felt like it wasn't his place to make the decision so he was surprised to see it now. His fingers graze the next line slowly, she was a loving wife, till the very end, she had let him go, she loved him enough to walk away so he could have the life they had both dreamed of, and now it was too late to tell her he was wrong, that she was his family, that he doesn't even know how to put one foot in front of the other when she's not beside him. His lips turn up at the end ever so slightly as he reads over the quote, it’s cheesy and she’d probably hate it but apparently, Schmidt had picked it with Steph's help and it was fitting for Jo. She was the brightest light in the dark, with all the darkness she'd face she'd never let it hold her back, she turned all her pain into good. 

The sound of gravel crunching behind him brings him back to reality, turning slightly he watches as Link approaches him, his hands stuffed into the pocket of his dark suit as their eyes meet.

“I know you don’t want me here but…” Alex begins,

“I was actually coming over here to see if you were okay...which now I'm saying it out loud sounds like such a dumb question.” Link mumbles, kicking the stones about by his feet, the silence that falls between them is painful as Alex turns back to the headstone, placing a single rose down in front of it before standing. 

“Alex you know she’d have been in that room whether you were here not...it’s who she is...was.” 

Wincing Alex squeezes his eyes shut, it’s nothing he hadn't heard before, Mer, Arizona, hell anyone that knew him and Jo had tried to console him, make him see it wasn't his fault, that Jo would've tried to protect her patient whether he was there or not. But he can’t stop that lingering thought that maybe she wouldn't have been, maybe they would been at home, or he would've been there to protect or maybe just maybe she would’ve fought that little harder, it's an awful thought but he can’t help but think things would’ve been different if those rings were still on her finger like he'd promised they always would be. 

“It’s not your fault Alex...and I’m sorry” 

“You don’t have to apologise...I hate myself for not being here for her...you might not blame me but I do.”

“You should know she didn’t…” He whispers as they begin the trail back down the path towards the church. Link's eyes watery as he lets out a low laugh, rubbing his jaw slowly. “She didn’t hate you Alex I don’t know how or why but she told me she tried to hate you and just couldn’t.” They stop abruptly, Link giving Alex's shoulder a tight squeeze, both men awkwardly trying to convey their emotions in a way that comes so unnaturally to them. “She loved you so much, she could never hate you...I think if anything she understood you leaving.” 

“She said that?”

“She did.” He nods, holding a hand up to Amelia who Alex had just noticed was hovering by the front doors of the church, flashing a sad smile to him as she wraps her arms around herself nodding at the pair understandingly. “She said she was changed because of you, she knew how to love because you loved her. I know you must feel a lot of guilt about how you ended Alex but she knew how much you loved her...trust me she did.” Link sighs, letting go of Alex as he makes his way back towards the church doors, wrapping an arm around Amelia's shoulders as they enter. 

Alex doesn't find the strength to go in, instead, he finds himself walking back to the place they had once called home, even though across town. The cold rain splashes against his skin as he walks the familiar route. He felt comforted inside those four walls, it was like nothing had changed at all, like any minute she’d be pulling back the rusty door excitedly chatting away about her day with takeout in hand. 

Sitting down on the bed, his drenched clothes seep through the sheets. He notes her scent is still all over them, making his tears fall faster. Suddenly he's overwhelmed with burning rage, rage at himself, at the world because she’s gone and he can’t do anything about it. Grabbing the closest thing to him, he's about to throw it when he realises it's one of her plaid shirts, it was old and had too many holes in it but she refused to throw them out. It still smelled like her. 

“Doctor Karev?” Alex looks up suddenly to find Levi Schmidt peering around the door that he had left open, he hesitates awkwardly before stepping into the room slowly, still in his suit from the funeral. 

“Schmidt?” Alex’s voice croaks as his hand clasps tightly at the shirt in his hands, almost as if it was all about to be taken away from him, 

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Schmidt mumbles, holding his hands up innocently as he moves further into the room. “I lived here...erm with Jo for a while, like roommates.” He gestures slightly towards a pile of belongings on the coffee table that Alex doesn’t recognise. 

“Oh”

Schmidt hovers a few feet away, and Alex can tell he’s considering what to do next. His eyes soften as he catches sight of the shirt still clutched tightly in Alex's hands, she’d worn it the day she died, she’d rushed in from work, exclaiming she only needed a change of clothes before hurrying back out, he hadn't moved anything, no one had, he'd packed his things up, deciding to stay with Helm for a while unsure what do with Jo gone. 

As Alex stares at the resident, his eyes slowly begin to trail around the loft, realising that it was not at all the same, in fact, a lot had changed, the sheets were new, not the same striped ones he'd had since the frat house and the photos that had once adorned every surface were missing, every part of him erased, every part of them vanished into thin air, this wasn’t his home...not anymore. “Sorry I should go…”

“No...no please it's more your place than mine. I was just grabbing a few things.” Schmidt protests, coming to life as he grabs the box off the coffee table, nodding slightly to Alex. 

“What happens to this all?” Alex whispers looking around at Jo's belongings, "Where does it all go now?" 

“I’m not sure...she didn’t have anyone...I mean she didn’t leave it to anyone so..” Levi stutters, his eyes wide as he stumbles over his word choice, he sort of looked like he was bracing himself for impact like any moment now Alex was gonna get up and attack him. “If there's anything you want...actually erm hang on...it's here one sec..” suddenly he’s beside Alex, yanking open what once was Alex's set of draws. It was the same set of draws he’d kept her engagement ring in, the ring she’d do easily found and slipped on her finger before proposing. 

“We found this when we were going through her stuff...it's addressed to you,” Levi mumbles, handing Alex a crisp white envelope, Jo’s neat handwriting clearly displayed along the front. 

He contemplates not opening it, wondering if he can live not knowing the contents of this letter as he hears the door click shut behind Levi. This is all he has left of her, once he opens it, once he reads the words on these pages there is nothing coming, this is the last moment...there’s no tomorrow, no future and if he opens it, if he reads it this will be the end. Her last words to him. The last page of their story.

**_Dear Alex_ **

**_I don’t know where to begin, I don't know what to say, I don't even know if you'll get this letter. It’s been two weeks, two weeks since I received your letter, I can't bring myself to sign on the dotted line yet but I will promise, I won't leave you tied to me forever...not when I know that's not what you want. This is it, the end. It’s been two weeks since you wrote a letter to tell me you found someone else, you just put me in the past, you made our happily ever after a tragedy, and you did it all without me even knowing. I guess I'm still trying to understand how you could leave me this way?_ **

**_Did I mean so little to you that you couldn’t be bothered to tell me to my face you were leaving? And none of this I can’t look you in the eye bullshit...you love someone else and you didn't even respect me enough to say it to my face. The worst part ...the worst part is I’m not even angry. I understand, I understand why you left, why you're not coming back, why having this family and being there is the most important thing to you. Did you think I wouldn't understand Alex? Did you think I didn't love you enough to understand? How was it that a couple of months ago you were promising to grow old with me no matter what and now you won’t even look me in the eye and tell me it’s over?_ **

**_You know the funny thing is that I knew before the letter, I knew that you were loving someone else, I just had this feeling, like I could feel us falling apart and everyone told me I was crazy and that you loved me and that it would never be us and I let them, I believed them. I guess I wanted to believe that wherever you were, you were sleeping alone._ **

**_I keep thinking of the last day I saw you, I didn’t know...I didn’t know it was the last time. I can’t even remember if I told you I loved you and know I'm thinking I didn’t say it enough. I don’t know what our last words were Alex. I just keep trying to think of them. I don’t know what they were, how can I begin to try and make our memories last a lifetime if I can't even remember our last words._ **

**_I miss you, I keep thinking I’m living in some sort of nightmare and that when I wake you you’ll be by my side, snoring away with your arms wrapped around me but this isn’t a dream and you aren’t coming home. This isn’t even your home anymore. I’m glad you got everything you ever wanted, and I know you're sorry but I don’t need you to apologize for being happy Alex. I think a big part of loving someone is just wanting them to be happy, even if that happiness can't be with you._ **

**_I love you, Alex. I love you more than I ever loved anyone in my life. I love you so much I can’t even hate you. I’ve tried...I’ve tried for weeks to hate you, I even burnt some of your things but nothing works. I just hate all the hurt you put me through._ **

**_I hate it. I hate that my twisted heart wants someone who doesn't want me anymore. I hate that I’m still wishing you’ll call me just so I can hear your voice one last time because I swear I’d memorize every word. I hate that I’m still wishing you’ll come back and tell me you made a mistake._ **

**_I just can’t seem to escape what could’ve been._ ** **_Do you even think about our life? or me? Am I in your thoughts? Because you're all over mine. You walked away so easily, you just slotted into another life like you had nothing attached to you, and while I feel like I'm dying on the inside, you're off having a picnic with your family. I’m jealous. I'm jealous that you can find happiness so easily without me when I can barely imagine the idea of falling in love without you. You have a family and I’m left to stare at those stupid baby hats your mother knitted, with stupid sized heads for children we're never gonna have. I just...I just can’t breathe Alex, every second of the day I feel like I'm being suffocated with the fact that you’re not here, that we don’t have forever, that we have no more stories to tell. All we were is all I have._ **

**_I’ve been alone before but never like this, I’ve never been surrounded by so many people that care about me and feel so alone, no one gets it...not really, our friends keep telling me I should move on but what do they know? Meredith tried comparing it to Derek but he’s not here, if he was here he’d be with her, he’d move heaven and earth to be with her and I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I’m just trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m not the one you chose._ **

**_I’m happy your happy Alex, really I am. You deserve happiness and a beautiful family. I hope Izzie knows just how lucky she is to have you, and I hope she tells you how much she loves you each and every day. Being loved by you Alex is the best thing that has ever happened to me because when you love, you love hard, you're fiercely protective and caring even with your grumpy exterior._ **

**_And I’m gonna be okay, I’m gonna rise and I'll move on again and maybe one day I will love again. Right now the thought terrifies me, the idea of having someone else know me, someone who's not you kiss me...love me. But I will rise, I will build myself back up and I will do it because you showed me how, you loved me so hard and so fiercely that I know I’m worth more than this, I’m owed a better love story then this and I will get it._ **

**_I hope we’ll see each other again one day, I hope to hear your voice again and see you smile, even if I'm not the one making you smile but if by chance we don’t ever meet again, then I want to tell you one final time that I love you. I love you Alex Karev. I don’t regret a single second of our life together even knowing our ending. I’m gonna miss you every single day until I die but I get to live with the knowledge that you are happy and loved wherever you are._ **

**_Loving someone is the scariest thing you can do but it is what makes life worth living, and every second of loving you has been worth it, you made me feel seen for the first time in my life, and you made me feel accepted and safe and loved no one can ever take that from me. Our story is over but that doesn't make what we had any less, it doesn't diminish our love._ **

**_I took my wedding rings off, I tried to do it quickly like ripping off a bandaid, I just couldn’t keep looking at them, they served as a permanent reminder that you’re gone, that all our promises have been broken. I can't bear the thought of keeping these rings, any more than I can bear the thought of you leaving forever. And though I have no choice about that one, at least I have a choice here._ **

**_Goodbye Alex_ **

**_Yours always Jo_ **

Frowning he tips the crisp envelope to the side, catching sight of two shiny silver rings, her wedding set. He’d spent years asking her to wear these rings, he’d considered it his greatest achievement that she’d ever wanted to wear them. Till death do us part is such an odd phrase he thinks now as if even death could kill a love so strong. There’s no signature signed on the dotted line or last breath taken that can take away the love you share with your soulmate. 

There’s this dark truth about grief that no one likes to talk about, the fact that the loss of someone you love will forever sit on your heart with a heaviness so stark every time it beats you feel it. All you can do is learn to live with it knowing it will never be the same again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so before we all come for me as we did with Superman, I'd like to say this was nowhere near as sad you know. I'm sorry and thanks for reading but I really am sorry...I couldn't even manage to write Jo's death because it hurt. 
> 
> I'm already writing two new death fics and you can blame thejolexgroupchat for their encouragment...mainly Leya who prompts me with death fics.


End file.
